


it's so easy to come back into you

by fvckingangelic



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Dialogue Heavy, Eating Disorders, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Felix-centric (Stray Kids), Minor Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Relapsing, Suicidal Thoughts, Worried Stray Kids Ensemble, but like u can believe it's there if u want to, felix is kinda touch starved, like holy shit everyone hugs !!!, like if u squint it's kinda there but also not rlly, literally over half of it is comfort, mostly towards the end, this is the longest one shot i've ever written oopsie, um, we stan physical contact !!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:01:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26710321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fvckingangelic/pseuds/fvckingangelic
Summary: Felix doesn't mean to relapse.in which felix hurts and the rest of skz comforts.title from lover dearest by marianas trench.
Relationships: Lee Felix (Stray Kids)/Everyone
Comments: 22
Kudos: 314





	it's so easy to come back into you

**Author's Note:**

> one whole week of putting my blood, sweat and tears (and a lot of streams of back door) into this and she's finally done!!!
> 
> also my first k-pop fic i've ever written and i'm very nervous about it bc i'm still kind of a baby stay
> 
> also, i apologize in advance for how much i projected onto felix to write this
> 
> >PLS READ TAGS FOR POSSIBLE TRIGGERS<

Felix doesn't mean to relapse.

He doesn't mean to start sleeping past breakfast. He doesn't mean to lose track of the time and practice dance routines for hours at a time, sometimes forgoing lunch as well. He doesn't mean to lose his taste for sweets, for Chan's meals, the McDonald's shakes Jisung likes to bring him.

He doesn't mean to, but that doesn't mean he hates it.

He can't say he doesn't notice that he's hungry. He notices. It's hard not to, the way that sometimes it makes him nauseous how hungry he is. Sometimes it feels like his stomach is a pit threatening to swallow him up, and in those times, he forces half a granola bar down his throat, just so it'll _stop_.

_(The whole granola bar is too many calories, but he isn't thinking about that, because he doesn't mean to relapse, right?)_

He almost forgot what this felt like.

It's _exhilarating_ the way he feels like he can never run out of energy. It's almost a game to see how much he can avoid food— just lie to Chan, lie to Minho, lie to JYP, even lie to the fans, it's that simple.

Felix forgot how much lying was involved.

**—**

"Lix? Have you lost weight?" Hyunjin lays on a couch in the dorm staring at him. "You look good."

Felix didn't mean to do that either.

"Oh?— I have...?" Felix mumbles, suddenly looking down, studying his frame the best he can without a mirror. Taking in his legs, his stomach, his arms in front of him that he's leaning on.

"Mm hmm." Hyunjin throws his head back on the couch and groans. "You're so _tiny_ , I wish I looked like that."

Felix excuses himself to the bathroom.

He stares at himself and notices that he _is_ smaller. Not by a lot, there isn't cause for concern yet. But Hyunjin's right. He looks _good_.

He wonders if maybe he's slipping.

Maybe this is enough.

Maybe he should stop.

Or maybe this is just the beginning.

Felix wraps a hand around his wrist, his eyes still locked with his reflection.

_Maybe he kind of means it now._

—

"Felix? You didn't come to dinner last night." Chan mentions at some point, leaning in the doorway of the dorm they share.

(He haven't come to dinner for the past week, but thanks for noticing.)

"Yeah." Felix shrugs it off.

Chan eyes him. "You need energy, Lix. Want me to grab you something for breakfast?"

"I'll get something on my own in a minute. Don't worry." Felix stretches his arm and pushes the book he was reading to the side, as if he really is going to get up and go to the kitchen.

Chan hesitates, but Felix must look convincing enough, because he walks away after a moment.

Then Felix sits back down and forgets all about what he promised Chan.

_—_

He finds a scale under the bathroom sink. It's dusty, hasn't been used in God knows how long, and Felix almost gives up hope. Then it miraculously turns on.

He checks to make sure he's locked the door and then steps on it.

There's a number flashing.

But that can't be right.

 _No_ , that can't be right.

_(You should be smaller than that, right?)_

He ignores the bile rising in his throat and replaces the scale. He grabs his wrist, affirming that his fingers can still wrap around it.

He leaves the bathroom to find Jeongin waiting outside, and tries to smile so that the maknae doesn't ask why he's crying.

_—_

He slips while practicing Miroh.

It's just a jump. One he's done hundreds, if not thousands of times before. It's not even a new song. It should be perfected by now; he can do it in his sleep.

But his foot skids on the floor and he bumps into Chan's shoulder, narrowly avoiding the floor. He would've fallen completely, if Jisung hadn't caught his wrist.

_(Jisung's fingers are so long and thin, they look so pretty wrapped around your wrist—)_

"Lix?" Jisung's eyes are wide. They usually are, but it's more pronounced now, and he's _really_ looking at Felix. "Are you okay?"

Everyone has stopped, watching Felix, who squirms at seven pairs of eyes staring at him.

"I'm fine," Felix grunts.

"Lix, you look tired." Jeongin pipes up, and Seungmin nods beside him.

Jisung pats his shoulder lightly. "Go take a break. Get some sleep and come back tomorrow."

Felix doesn't bother to argue that he's getting a perfectly good amount of sleep, so he swallows and nods. "Yeah, okay."

—

He tries to heat up some ramen when he gets back to the dorm, because somehow it's easier to eat when he's alone, and he hasn't eaten yet today anyway.

_(See, you're not that bad, you're still eating somewhat regularly, maybe you really don't mean it)_

He swallows a few noodles and has to fight to keep them down.

_—_

He isn't much better the next day, and everyone can tell. And he knows that they can tell.

"Lix?" Hyunjin stops, right in the middle of District 9, and Felix can hear Changbin groaning behind him and he cringes.

Hyunjin waves his hand over his face. "You okay? You wanna take a five minute break? You look upset."

"I'm good Hyunjin—" His stomach growls, overshadowing the rest of what he was going to say.

"Felix, when's the last time you ate?" Changbin asks.

Felix doesn't even have to lie. "This morning." Minho offered him fruit, so he has a witness.

Jisung tosses him a packet of crackers from his pocket. "Well it doesn't sound like it so here, you can have these for now. I was saving them for later but it's not a big deal."

"We'll start again when you're done with them." Chan adds, as Felix stares at the package in his hands.

There are seven pairs of eyes on him. There are one hundred and forty calories noted on the nutrition label _(Not that he cares, because if he did, that would mean that he means it)_. There are twelve cheese crackers inside when he finally summons the courage to rip the bag open. It has been one hundred and eleven seconds since Jisung gave him the crackers.

He can't help but stare at the crackers disgusted.

Chan frowns and steps toward him. "Lix—"

Felix recoils. "I'm gonna go eat in the hallway."

The bag crinkles under his fingers and once the door has slammed shut behind him, he tosses the package in the trash bin. He cringes and flaps his hands, convinced he's still holding it, and he feels gross at even having touched it.

—

Felix still feels gross when he gets back to the dorm that night, and he thinks about how he could get rid of the feeling.

He knows how to.

He's done it before.

Once the thought has settled into his head, it's like an itch that won't go away, and after giving Chan some bullshit excuse in order to get out of a game of Uno, he finds himself in the bathroom.

The mirror has been getting pretty acquainted with him lately, but that's not what he's here for this time. Of course, that doesn't stop him from glancing himself over as he walks by, just to check that he's still tiny.

Even though he never actually ate the crackers Jisung gave him, it still feels like they're inside him, settling in his stomach like weight, pulling him down. Felix wants them out of him.

He hated it the first time he did it, and he hates it now, and he hates the way saliva drips down from his fingertips after he's done, and he hates the way that bile burns in his throat.

This might be the one time he hates what he's becoming.

He stands up and studies himself in the mirror again.

He wonders what Hyunjin would think of him now.

_—_

"Felix! Give me my phone!"

Chan lunges at him, grinning so Felix knows he isn't really mad, as Felix dodges him, Chan's phone held tightly in his fist.

"I wanna see what you're looking at!" Felix stretches out on his bed, scrolling through Chan's feed.

"It was a meme, Lix!" Chan rolls over on top of him and plucks it out of his grip. "How would you like it if I went through your phone!"

"Do it!" Felix retorts.

"Bet _—_ " Chan reaches for Felix's phone, unlocking it immediately. "Why don't you have a password?"

"You didn't."

"That's because you grabbed it from me while it was still unlocked!" Chan sits up, scrolling mindlessly through Felix's apps.

Felix doesn't _think_ that there's anything bad on his phone, but he still really hates the idea of Chan going through it and after a few seconds he reaches for it.

" _Chan_... Give it back _—"_

"I'm not done," Chan protests. "You went through my whole twitter feed, how is that fair?" He clicks to Felix's saved photos. "Please tell me you don't take nudes, because I do not want to go blind right now _—_ "

Felix swallows, suddenly remembering. "Chan _—_ "

"Hmm?"

And then Chan sees what Felix is worried about.

Pictures of Felix, which Chan recognizes as being taken in their bathroom. At least one for everyday, sometimes several in a day, and as he starts to scroll down, he can see that it shows Felix progressively getting thinner.

"... _Lixie_?"

Chan's grip has loosened, and Felix takes this as his opportunity to grab his phone back. His face is burning with shame.

"Shut up."

"I didn't _—_ "

"Just _shut up_ , okay?"

_—_

Felix avoids Chan. Or maybe Chan's avoiding him.

At first, Chan tries to ignore what he saw. He still tries to engage in conversation with Felix, albeit awkwardly, and he finally gives up when Felix doesn't respond to any of it.

It hurt when Chan was talking to him.

It still hurts now that he isn't.

—

_(I bet Chan's ignoring you because you're disgusting)_

Felix stares at himself in the mirror.

_(That's why he looks so worried, he's worried about how bad you make the group look)_

He takes another picture, holding his phone over his face, because both his body and his face in one frame is too much for him to stomach.

_(You are so fucking disgusting)_

His cheeks are damp.

_(Hyunjin was lying about you being tiny to make you feel better)_

He doesn't stop taking pictures until he's crying too hard to hold the camera steady.

—

Maybe Felix didn't mean to relapse.

But maybe he doesn't want to get better.

Maybe he doesn't even know how.

—

"Felix? Do you want this?"

Jisung offers him a bag of chips and Felix wants to cry, because he still remembers the _fucking_ cheese crackers.

"No."

Jisung frowns and pops one of them into his mouth.

"Lix, when's the last time you ate?"

"This morning," Felix blurts out quickly.

"Huh." Jisung studies him. "I feel like I never see you do that anymore."

Felix swallows nervously and doesn't answer.

"You're too skinny, Lix."

"I am?"

Jisung bites into a chip, not moving his eyes away from Felix's. "Yeah. You are." He sounds almost angry, mostly hurt.

"Well _sorry_ ," Felix mumbles.

—

It takes a week, but Chan finally talks to him again.

"You're eating dinner tonight."

"What?" He looks up at Chan hovering in the doorway, and tucks his knees against his chest, already feeling sick at his words.

"You are." Chan swallows. "Lix—"

"Fine. That's fine with me."

_(Chan doesn't know yet, he doesn't know enough)_

_(It's still safe, just go along with him, and then he'll back off)_

Chan bites his lip. "Okay. Good to know. See you there."

Felix nods.

_(Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what have you done)_

—

Felix absentmindedly stabs at his mac and cheese, well aware of how his every move is being watched by Chan. Minho and Seungmin are here too, the others having eaten earlier. Half of Minho's bowl is already gone and it makes Felix sick to look at it.

It's been five minutes and he's successfully eaten two bites.

It doesn't help that it's strangely silent around the table, a contrast from the usually fast flowing conversation that happens here usually. But maybe they don't do that anymore. Felix wouldn't know.

All the silence does is highlight his quick breathing, and he swears that everyone else can hear how fast his heart is beating.

He shoves another bite into his mouth, quickly, so that he doesn't have time to think about it. It works. Kind of.

The thoughts don't kick in until he's almost done chewing, and he makes a sort of strangled noise as he swallows against his will.

_(Would it be weird if you asked Chan how many calories are in this?)_

_(Ah, fuck it, you can google it later, all mac and cheese is basically the same)_

He decides that eating half of his bowl should be enough to please Chan (More like he hopes it is) and forces another bite down.

He puts his bowl in the sink, and is almost out of the room when Chan grabs his arm.

"That's all you're gonna eat?"

"Yeah." Felix pulls his arm back and rubs at where Chan grabbed it, wincing. "Mac and cheese isn't really my thing."

Chan's mouth is set in a straight line and he sighs. "Yeah, okay."

—

It's never been this bad before.

Felix stares at his fingertips right before he shoves them down his throat.

Last time he relapsed, it didn't last this long. Last time he relapsed was before Stray Kids. When he was just a trainee, before he had met any of the other members.

No one cared enough then. Too much of a focus on keeping the trainees in shape to notice that Felix was quickly dropping weight. It was a little suspicious for him to be skipping meals, especially when his parents came to visit, but all he had to do was say he was on a diet, and everyone nodded knowingly.

Sometimes he fucking hated the industry for this.

Most of the time though, he loved the easy excuse.

He didn't lose as much weight then. Of course, it's kind of hard to compare because he's grown quite a bit, and he'll be the first to admit that his view of his body is distorted to hell and back. But he knows he didn't look this thin back then.

He knows he's underweight, but he also knows how fucked the standards for idols are, so he blends in. Hah. That's another thing in the industry he hates and loves.

Felix doesn't even know how long it's been going on. He knows he was struggling way back before even becoming a trainee, and each relapse has only exponentially worsened his suffering until he went from skipping breakfast before school one day a week, to whatever _this_ is.

_(This, is Felix on a bathroom floor for the third time this week)_

_(This, is also not even five minutes after the aforementioned incident with Chan and macaroni and cheese)_

It's not constant. If Felix were to count every day in his life, he has way more normal days than disordered days. It fades in and out. He stops eating, he drops weight, he gets tired, he gives up, he starts eating, _rinse and fucking repeat._

Only Felix isn't getting tired yet.

He finally stops procrastinating and pushes his fingers down his throat.

_(Why did you agree to eat with Chan?)_

He feels bad.

_(That's all it ever comes down to, you feel bad because you are bad, huh, did you ever think of that?)_

He rests his head against the wall.

_(Are you happy yet?)_

—

"Felix, are you okay?"

Minho is outside.

"Yeah," Felix gasps out, sitting up.

"I heard you throwing up."

_(Fuck!)_

"I'm fine." He coughs, trying to clear his throat.

He can hear Minho leaning on the door.

"Can I come in?"

Felix sighs and flushes the toilet, then wipes his mouth with his sleeve.

_(There's no getting out of this)_

"Yeah."

He's barely closed his mouth before Minho comes in.

He closes the door and sits down cross-legged across from Felix. He opens and closes his mouth several times, before he opts to just stare wide-eyed at Felix. "Um...Lix?"

"Mm hmm?"

Minho scoots a little bit closer. "Are you okay?"

"Mm hmm." They're the only words Felix can trust himself to say. He tries to scoot backwards, to even the distance between them, but there's a wall behind him.

Minho pauses. "Did you make yourself throw up?"

_(Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck)_

He can tell by the way Minho's expression changes, that his face has given him away. He feels guilty as hell, and he's sure he looks the part.

_(Don't say anything don't fucking say anything)_

"Mm hmm."

_(You fucking idiot)_

Minho swallows. "C'mere Lix."

_(Don't do it)_

Against his best interests, Felix scoots closer until his toes are touching Minho's. Any other time, one of them would make a joke about this. Now, it's close enough for Minho to pull him into a hug, and Felix doesn't have enough energy left in him to resist. He rests his head on Minho's shoulder, too tired to even keep it up.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Minho's voice is low, right in his ear. "Or just sit here."

"Sit."

"Okay. Whatever you want."

—

Felix falls asleep on him. Another thing he doesn't mean to do.

_(These days, he's starting to lose count of these things)_

Minho gently gets up, and Felix's body shifts so he's lying flat on the floor. His sleep remains undisturbed though.

He notices Felix's phone on the bathroom counter and turns it on, just to find it had been open to a google search of the number of calories in mac and cheese. He glances down at Felix's body before replacing the phone where it was.

He bends down.

"Lixie, wake up."

It takes some prodding, but Felix wakes up.

Minho tosses him his phone, and Felix flushes remembering his last activity on it.

"Yeah, I saw, Lix."

Felix is quiet.

"Come on, we're gonna go to bed. I promise you, sleeping in the bathroom cannot be that enjoyable. We'll talk in the morning."

He opens the door and Felix shuffles out after him.

"Are you going to tell Chan?"

"I don't know."

"Please d—"

"Lix, I don't even really know what's going on with you." Minho looks at him sadly. "I don't even know what I'd tell Chan."

"Everything's going on." Felix mutters.

Minho can't resist pulling him in for another hug. "In the morning. 'Kay? I know you're tired and I am too."

"Please don't say anything to Chan." Felix pleads. "At least for now."

"Not tonight," Minho promises.

—

Minho broke his fucking promise.

That's all Felix can think about as he stares at Jisung.

_(Okay, in all technicality, Jisung wasn't part of the promise, but what the fuck made Minho think he had the right to tell anyone?)_

"Jisung was already worried about you!" Minho argues. "He's the only one I told, I promise."

"Fuck you," Felix growls.

"I want to help, Lix." Jisung looks sad, and Felix can't grasp why.

"You could help by forgetting what Minho fucking told you."

"Not happening." 

Felix makes a frustrated sound and sits down on the couch.

"Come on, Lix, talk to us." Minho pleads.

"No." Getting a night of sleep has only made him bitter and Minho is starting to regret not pushing him further last night.

"I'll go to Chan."

Felix huffs. "What do you want to know?"

"Anything."

"Fine. My brain fucking hates me and sometimes I don't fucking eat."

Jisung sits down next to him.

"And—" He stops himself.

"No, what?" Jisung moves closer.

"Nothing."

" _Felix_."

"...And sometimes I puke it back up, but I'm guessing Minho already told you that."

" _What?_ "

Jeongin overheard them.

Felix closes his eyes and pulls his knees up to his chest.

_(Great, three people know)_

_(Three people that can tell Chan)_

"C'mere Innie." Minho motions for him to come over.

"Stop telling people," Felix whines.

Minho sets his gaze back on Felix. "You're going to fucking kill yourself, Lix."

"No I'm not!"

"Yeah, okay, so I'm just supposed to do nothing while you throw up your stomach lining?"

Jeongin is pale, his eyes moving between Felix and Minho so fast he's getting whiplash. He almost wants to butt in, ask _what the fuck is going on_ , but he has an idea of it already, and he's never seen Minho this angry.

At Minho's words, Felix has turned pale too. "I'm not going to do that," He mumbles.

" _Sure_ you won't."

Jisung pulls his phone out and starts texting someone.

"I'm not fucking stupid Minho!"

"Lixie, you're sick," Minho pleads. "I don't want you to die, why does that make me the bad guy?"

"Because you keep telling everyone my business!"

Minho inhales. "That's because you're a danger to yourself!"

" _Shut up_ , I bet you read that in a textbook and don't even know what it means. I know what I'm doing, and I'm not gonna fucking die."

"Lix?" Jisung interrupts.

"Do you even know how high the mortality rate for anorexia is, everyone thinks they're not gonna die, and then they do—"

Jisung tries again. "Felix?"

"Shut _up_ , Minho."

"No, you're fucking—"

"Felix!" Jisung yells, and both Felix and Minho stare at him. Jeongin does too, slowly turning.

"What?" Felix spits.

Jisung waves his phone in the air. "I told Chan."

"You fucking—" Felix grapples at Jisung, grabbing his phone away to read the texts.

 **Jisung** : hey um chan  
**Jisung:** felix kinda admitted he has an eating disorder and he and minho are fighting over it and it's rlly scary  
**Jisung:** also innie is here too help idk what to do  
**Jisung:** can u like come home pls pls pls pls help

**_—Chan is typing—_ **

"Fuck you!" Felix yells, throwing the phone back at Jisung.

"We're trying to help!" Minho reaches for him, just for Felix to shove him away.

Felix grunts. "Don't touch me."

"Shut up, you're the one that fell asleep on me last night."

"Chan's coming." Jisung supplies, earning him another glare from Felix.

Jeongin quietly asks, "Where even is he? I thought he was here?"

Jisung shakes his head. "He went to the studio with Changbin."

"So why aren't you with them?" Felix asks.

"Because Minho told me you were killing yourself."

"Stop saying that!"

"No!"

"Stop yelling," Jisung frowns at both of them. "Lix, if you don't want more people to know, then stop yelling, because by now, everyone's probably heard you two going at it."

Felix shuts up and sinks into the couch.

Minho elects to be silent as well and for a good ten minutes, there is quiet. None of them leave the room, even Jeongin, who still feels a little out of place.

Then Jisung opens his mouth. He looks almost scared, and Felix thinks that he should be.

"Lix...when's the last time you ate?" He forces his voice to stay as calm as possible, scared to incite another fight.

Felix stares straight at Minho. "Last night."

Minho throws his hands up in the air. "Look, I'm not the one that made you eat with us!" He realizes he's yelling again and drops his hands. "Can you just please stop looking at me like that, Felix?"

Felix's gaze shifts to the floor.

"I didn't make you come find me in the bathroom."

"Yeah, I found you because I fucking care about you, no one _had_ to make me."

"Shut up." Felix bites his lip. "I—"

"Felix?"

Instantly, Felix swings around towards the entryway to see Chan standing there. Minho and Jisung look relieved, because Chan _has_ to have more of an idea of what to do with Felix than they do. He's closer to Felix anyway, them being the only Aussies, so there's less chance of Felix yelling at him.

Meanwhile Felix is the furthest thing from relieved.

_(Fuck fuck fuck fuck Chan knows and he's here and he's going to make you talk to him)_

_(He'll tell JYP)_

_(...That's four people that know now, right?)_

"Hey." Chan sits next to him and pulls the younger boy towards him without hesitation. He mouths at Jisung, Jeongin and Minho "Go".

They do. It's the fastest any of them have ever followed any of Chan's orders.

He pushes Felix's head against his chest and sits there with him for what feels like forever.

—

"I don't know what to do, Lix," Chan admits, combing his fingers through the boy's hair.

Muffled, Felix replies, "You can leave me alone."

"Minho's right. You are killing yourself."

Felix sniffles against Chan's chest. "Why do you even care?"

"Why shouldn't I care?"

Felix grows silent again.

—

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

Felix starts talking about it anyway.

"This isn't, like, the first time. I do this sometimes. When things get bad."

"How long have they been getting bad for?"

"...Since about middle school."

"It must be really, really bad then, huh?"

"Yeah."

Felix doesn't say anything else.

—

"So what exactly happened with Minho and Jisung? Jisung's texts didn't tell me that much."

"...Minho heard me throwing up last night."

Chan goes still.

"He asked me if I made myself do it, and um—" Felix is shaking in Chan's arms. "I didn't say no."

"Fuck, I am so sorry I made you eat last night—"

Felix doesn't respond to that, and Chan doesn't blame him.

He rubs Felix's back. "I was worried, Lixie. Still am. Actually, I think I'm more worried now."

"I know." Felix breathes out a long sigh.

—

"Chan?"

"Yeah?"

"...Nevermind."

"Lix, you can tell me whatever you want."

"...Yeah, yeah I know."

—

"Chan?"

"Mm hmm?"

"I didn't— I didn't mean to relapse." Felix looks at the ground. "Like at first."

"It's okay." Chan takes his hand.

"But maybe like—" Felix inhales. "I kinda started to mean it and I don't— I don't know how get to get better."

He doesn't give Chan a chance to speak just yet.

"And like, usually when I relapse, I end up getting tired and I just...like....stop. By myself. It usually doesn't get this bad. But that isn't happening this time."

"...Lix?"

"Yeah?"

"I think we're gonna have to go to JYP and get you professional help. You know that, right?"

Felix curls into himself and doesn't respond.

—

"Chan?"

Jisung hovers in the hallway, finally feeling brave enough to interrupt him and Felix.

"Yeah?"

"Can I— Can I sit there?" He motions at the spot next to Felix.

"Yeah."

Felix slowly nods, approving Chan's answer.

Jisung takes the spot and takes Felix's hand. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For Minho telling me. And me telling Chan. I don't regret it, but I'm still sorry that it made you mad."

Felix nods.

"...Chan?"

"Mm hmm?"

"...Nevermind."

"Lixie?"

"...I'm kinda hungry."

"Okay. What do you want to do about that?" Chan's voice is calm.

"I don't— I don't know."

Jisung puts a hand on his shoulder. "Do you want us to leave you alone so you can eat something? Would that be easier?"

"...Yeah."

"Okay." Chan stands up. "Also I'm locking the bathroom door until you're done."

" _Chan_ —" Felix protests.

" _No_. Purging is really bad for you Lix, I know I can't control what you eat, but I can at least try to stop you from throwing it up."

Felix huffs. "Fine."

"Also, when you're done, we have to tell the rest of the group. Everyone has been worried sick about you."

"...Fine."

—

Felix picks through the kitchen shelves with caution.

It doesn't matter anymore.

It's not his secret now. It's not his special hobby that he gets to hide from everyone. Now it's been exposed in the open and it makes him feel sick.

He could break the cycle, just make himself a normal fucking meal.

JYP's going to force him to get help anyway. _Recover_. Felix tastes the words on his lips.

So what does it matter if he starts now? Yeah, he's a _fucking failure_ if he eats right now, but this whole thing was destined to fail as soon as Minho found him.

He thinks about not even eating anything, lying to Chan for what must be the hundredth time in these past few months. Then his stomach growls again and he elects that _fine_ , he will eat something, but he will not fucking like it.

There's a box of graham crackers on the counter from the other night. They made s'mores, he thinks. He isn't sure, because all he remembers is Minho inviting him to something and him declining the second Minho mentioned eating.

He eats one cracker. The nutrition label is facing the wall, so he can't see it, and half of him is desperate to flip the box over, and the other half doesn't want to know.

He eats another one, and steps away so that the box is out of reach.

_(Why are you eating)_

_(Why do you let Chan have this much power over you)_

_(He lets you cry on his shoulder and now you're eating just because he wants you to?)_

_(You're fucking pathetic)_

Felix's chest hurts.

He should go back to Chan and Jisung, tell them that he ate. Make them happy.

Instead he sits down with his back against the refrigerator and starts to cry.

—

"Lix?"

Hyunjin walks into the kitchen to find the younger boy sobbing on the floor, and the box of graham crackers open.

He kneels down. "Lixie."

Felix haphazardly wipes at his face with his sleeve.

"Am I still tiny, Hyunjin?"

"What?"

"That's what you said." Felix closes his eyes. "Months ago. You said I was so tiny."

Hyunjin licks his lips. "I— I kind of remember that, but what are you—"

"Am I still tiny?"

Hyunjin hesitates.

"Answer the goddamn question."

"...Felix...What's wrong?"

"Everything." Felix pushes his hair back from his face, revealing his face is red and covered in dried tears from earlier. "Chan hasn't told you yet?" He scoffs.

"Told me about what?"

"I have an ea—" Felix pauses. "According to Chan I have an eating disorder."

"Lixie...?"

Felix keeps talking. "But he's wrong. Tell him he's wrong, Hyunjin, _please_. He's wrong. It's— It's not bad that I'm having a breakdown over graham crackers _right_? That's what— what normal people do right?" He sounds bitter.

_(Why can't you ever keep your mouth shut)_

Hyunjin shuffles closer, his hand hovering over Felix's shoulder.

"And like, it's perfectly fucking normal that I can't get out of my head the time that you called me tiny, right? Like, I've been _dreaming_ of you telling me that again." Felix frowns. "I thought Jisung calling me too skinny would be the same, but he was so angry— It wasn't the same."

_(Stop talking stop talking please stop fucking talking)_

"I haven't been tiny in so fucking long, Hyunjin." Felix stares at the floor. "I just—" His voice cracks and Hyunjin is surprised it hasn't cracked earlier. "I just want to be _tiny_."

Hyunjin finally puts his hand on Felix's shoulder and hugs him, and as he does he can feel how much weight Felix has lost.

"It's okay, Lix," He murmurs, because that's all he knows how to do.

—

It takes forever, but Hyunjin finally urges him to get up and they walk to Felix's room, where Chan is waiting.

"I ate two graham crackers," Felix reports, well aware that the tear streaks and red blotches on his face tell a different story.

"That's— That's good." Chan says. He looks at Hyunjin.

"I, um, kind of found him crying on the floor after he was done."

Felix shoots him a look.

"Do you wanna tell the other members now?" Chan nods to Hyunjin. "There's one less that you have to tell now, so it's a little easier."

"I guess I don't have a choice do I?"

Chan shakes his head. "I'm telling JYP tomorrow, and you don't have a choice in that either, so—"

Felix's breathing gets shaky and both Chan and Hyunjin worry that he's going to start crying again, but he doesn't. Instead he presses his lips together and crosses his arms against his chest.

—

"Seungmin?" Felix finds him in his room with his headphones in.

He pulls them off as soon as he sees Felix. "Yeah?"

"I— I need to tell you something."

Seungmin nods. "What's up?"

Felix digs his fingernails into his palms. "I have an eating disorder." The words burn in his throat, and it hurts to say.

"Oh..."

"Chan's making me tell you," Felix says quickly. "Almost everyone else kind of...found out without me telling them. There's just you and Changbin left."

"...Is there anything I can do, Lix? To help?"

Felix isn't expecting the question. "I don't know."

Seungmin pushes himself up off the bed and hugs Felix. "You know we're all here for you right, Lix? Even with this?"

"...Yeah, yeah, I know." Felix really doesn't know. But he's trying his hardest to.

—

"I have an eating disorder."

The words come off a little easier, but it still feels foreign, and the words taste gross on his tongue.

Changbin looks at him. "Felix..."

"Chan's making me tell you." Felix doesn't meet Changbin's eyes. "I didn't— I didn't really want to tell people." He looks up suddenly, but still doesn't quite make eye contact. "Not that I don't trust you, I just...everyone else kind of found out without me having to tell them and this is really, really scary."

"...I'm not... I'm not surprised Lix." Changbin admits. "I think we all could guess that something was wrong."

_(See, you're such a failure at this, of course they knew, you're fucking terrible at hiding things)_

Felix quietly wills his brain to shut the fuck up.

"Oh..." He breathes out.

"How can I help you?" Changbin looks at him earnestly.

"Just...just stay here."

He lets Changbin envelope him in a hug, and he thinks that this day is the first one in a long time where he's gotten this much physical affection.

—  
  
Jeongin finds him in the hallway.

"Minho explained what was going on to me." He looks at the ground shyly. "I think by now you're tired of everyone hugging you and trying to be this perfect comforting person, and I'm not good at that sort of stuff anyway, but I knew someone back home who had an eating disorder."

He forces himself to look up, at Felix.

"She— She had anorexia, and I don't know if that's the same as you, because like," Jeongin inhales nervously. "You know, throwing up and stuff, she never did that— But like, she got better." He presses his lips together, willing his stuttering to stop. "You— You can too."

There's tears dripping down Felix's face at this point, and Jeongin has a few of his own to match.

"Actually..."

Felix steps closer.

"I'm not that tired of hugging yet."

—

Chan brings him a list of numbers and addresses the next morning.

"I spoke with JYP, and they gave me treatment centers." Chan speaks calmly, because he knows how much Felix hates what he's saying.

"...Like a hospital?"

"Yeah." Chan's breathing hitches. "Like a hospital. Kind of. But like these places are specifically for people like you, you'll get therapy. Not like a real hospital."

"I don't want to go away." Felix's voice is steady, and Chan knows he means it.

"I know, baby, but it's the best way to help."

"I'm not leaving— What about Stays? And you guys? I can't— I can't just leave, we're supposed to be working on a new album and—

"Lix. The album can wait."

Felix is still shaking his head, trying to find the words to protest.

"Stays will understand...I promise. Our management understands. We're not going to have to disband if we take a short break while you're gone. It won't even be for that long, Lixie. Maybe a month or two? It depends how long you need, and you can have all the time in the world." Chan hesitates and pushes his fingers through Felix's hair, cupping his cheek. "We just want you to get better."

"I still don't want to leave you guys."

"There's ones where we can visit you, Lix. I promise, we'll visit you everyday, you'll get so fucking sick of us being there."

Felix is still frowning.

"I know you want to stay here and I wish I could help you all by myself, but I don't know _how_." Chan swallows the lump in his throat. "All I know how to do is comfort you when you come to me, and I am perfectly content to do that whenever you need it, no matter _what_ time it is, but that doesn't do much in the long term, Lixie. I'm not a professional. None of us are."

"...Okay." Felix relents finally. "Give me the list of treatment centers."

—

A week later, Felix is on his way to a treatment center.

The others come with him in the car, electing to stay with him as long as physically possible.

Felix's throat is dried up, and it's finally kicking in where he's going.

_(You're a failure)_

_(You're going to look disgusting when you come back)_

_(They're sending you away because you already are disgusting, they're not going to let you back in when you return)_

_(This is just an elaborate way to kick you out)_

_(Stray Kids should have always been 7 members)_

Felix digs his nails into his palms so hard he draws blood.

Minho is next to him and he notices almost instantly. He sighs and laces his fingers through Felix's, pulling his nails away.

_(Minho is so fucking tired of you being around)_

The resentment is clear in Felix's eyes and Minho reaches for Felix's chin, forcing Felix to hold eye contact with him.

"Whatever you're thinking right now, it's wrong."

He pulls a tissue out of his pocket and presses it to the shallow scratches on Felix's palm.

"Is it really though?" Felix whispers, barely audible.

"Yes." Minho would hug him right now, but the seat belts kind of get in the way of that. "I promise, Lixie."

—

He's submerged in a group hug when they arrive.

Seungmin is sniffling into his shoulder, and Felix almost wants to take the younger with him. But they'd miss Seungmin, unlike him. 

A knot forms in his stomach.

He hates that he still has these thoughts even with all of them right here, supporting him the best they can.

Maybe he really does need this.

Maybe Chan is right.

He breathes out slowly, and ruffles Seungmin's hair.

Maybe he really didn't mean to relapse, but he has a say in whether he tries to get better or not.

He's still in control of that.

—

There's no mirrors.

No phones either. Felix left his with Chan.

Nothing sharp, but that wasn't a problem for Felix, because that was one bad coping mechanism he'd thankfully never acquired.

There is a lot of talking.

Felix talks to people. To his roommate. To everyone in his section during group meetings. To the therapist assigned to him. To the cooks that serve him food according to his diet plan. 

He admits a lot of things, some that he's only just begun to grasp.

—

"It's a way of control. It's not— It's not about my weight really. Losing weight is just a sign that I'm like, winning at this. It's a proof that I have control. I never...I don't think I ever like...consciously wanted to look thin for aesthetic reasons."

—

"...I've always been a picky eater I guess... I don't— I don't like a lot of foods. I like a lot of carbs and sweet things, and so like, I'm not very healthy even when I'm not doing this, and it kind of makes me feel guilty, so there's like, this weird line that I keep walking on the edge of; eating what I want and feeling guilty because I know that it's bad for my health, and eating, like, nothing, because even though it's probably worse for my health, it makes me feel less guilty."

—

"I want to get better...in that I don't want to be like this anymore. I know that getting better means like, eating, and y'know, not puking every time I eat more than I would've liked to, and gaining weight, and I'm not, like, ecstatic about that...I kinda fucking dread it but...I don't want to keep looking at myself and seeing this horrible person."

—

It's a week before they visit him.

The center only allows weekly visits, which Felix was adamantly against at first, but now that the week is up it feels like no time has passed at all.

He throws himself at Chan as soon as he sees him, and he's crying again, but it's happy tears, and Chan is choked up too so he doesn't blame him.

Changbin puts a hand on his shoulder. "Hey, Lix," He murmurs. "How has it been?"

Muffled against Chan's shirt, Felix replies, "Good. It's been good."

"That's good, Lixie. That's really good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

—

Felix learns that to make his bad thoughts go away, he has to start talking about those too.

  
—

"I feel bad, and like, like it's in me. Like— it doesn't matter what I do, I'm always going to feel bad inside, and this guilt that comes with it— It's not going to go away, like ever— And I just— I don't want to live with it inside of me...I feel horrible and disgusting, and if I feel like it, then I probably look the part, too, right?"

—

"And when I feel bad, it's really bad. Like— I don't...I don't want to live anymore, because like I said, it feels like it's never going to go away, and spending the rest of my life like this would fucking suck, and I would— Fuck, there's really no other way to put it— I'd rather be dead sometimes than be like this."

—

"...I wouldn't call it suicidal thoughts...I just struggle with being alive."

—

"...That's the same thing?...Oh..."

—

It is a very long two months before Felix is discharged.

He walks to the dorm by himself. The others begged him to let them bring him home, but he wanted to make the journey himself after being cooped up in there for eight weeks.

He's gained weight. He knows that Stays will notice, and that's what he dreads most of all. Even if it's well-received, it's still going to be a big deal, and he knows that too many comments will send him spiraling again.

_(This time you have the members to catch you)_

That's another change.

His thought pattern has changed.

It's strange, where once was intrusive thoughts begging him to think the worst, is now a calm voice, that comforts him.

It reminds him of Chan, but he'd never tell anyone that.

—

"Felix!" Jisung yells, the first one to see him when he comes in. Felix has barely closed the door before Jisung's arms are around him, giggling. "Felix is home!" He yells, and it doesn't take more than ten seconds before everyone else has surrounded him.

His appearance isn't much of a surprise, because they visited him every week, but they still stare at him.

"You look so fucking good, Lixie." Hyunjin is grinning.

Felix takes a second to breathe, remind himself that it's a compliment. "Thanks."

"You really do," Jeongin adds. "Not just healthier. You look...happier."

"So was it worth it?" Chan asks.

Felix thinks about how he cried on his first night there. He thinks about how he cried a lot, at least once a day early on. 

And then he thinks about how he was before. He thinks about the lying, about his fingers down his throat, about the pit in his stomach that never went away.

"Yeah," Felix closes his eyes. "It was worth it."

—

"Minho?" The two of them are alone in the kitchen later that night.

"Yeah? What's up?" Minho looks up at him earnestly.

"You were right."

He doesn't have to explain, Minho already knows what he's talking about.

"Oh...Lix..."

"I was— I really was killing myself," Felix admits. "Like, fuck, I was bad, I know that now. And it's funny, because you don't realize how fucked up making yourself throw up is, until y'know, you stop making yourself do it."

He stares at Minho's feet.

"Also I was borderline suicidal, and I didn't even realize it."

"Oh my God, Lixie."

"My therapist told me, like, apparently wishing you were dead just so you didn't have to be so fucked up, counts as a suicidal thought? Even though I didn't—" Felix takes in a much needed breath. "I didn't have plans, I didn't want to make a plan, I just— I thought about it." Felix lets his gaze rise back up to meet Minho. "I had a lot of those thoughts."

Minho takes his hands and threads his fingers through Felix's.

"I don't have them anymore, though." Felix stops and corrects himself. "I mean like, nowhere near as much. It's still kind of difficult, but like, they've quieted down a lot. They're there, I just...don't listen to them. I talk about them instead. That's what my therapist said to do."

"Felix?"

"Mm hmm?"

"I am so fucking proud of you. We all are. Don't you ever forget that."

**Author's Note:**

> heheheheh i don't think this is my best written fic but oh my god if this isn't the most cathartic thing i've ever written.  
> like holy shit i actually feel so much better than when i started this omg
> 
> anyway i hope u liked it kudos & comments are appreciated 🥺
> 
> [my curiouscat!](https://curiouscat.me/fvckingangelic)   
>  [my twitter!](https://twitter.com/fvckingangelic)


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